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Our lives are often cluttered with all kinds of destructive memories and resentments. And if our memories ‘archive’ every time someone slights us, life becomes unbearable.
In the Jewish calendar, the month of Tishrei is a built in annual opportunity to let go of wounds that hold one back, and to move forward toward becoming the person we ought to be.
In our Yom Kippur prayers, we ask G-d to not to hold grudges against us (“G-d, do not remember our former wrongdoings”). But, in exchange, He asks us to act towards others in the same way.
Forgiveness Exercise
Some events are extremely difficult to simply forgive. So start small.
• Identify a relatively minor grudge or resentment that you’ve been carrying around with you. Think about the incident and how it made you feel. To forgive, you need to first acknowledge the reality of what happened and how you were affected.
• Next, identify the cost of holding on to it. Does it cost you energy, vitality, self-esteem, intimacy?
• Then, as hard as it may seem, consider their perspective. You may never understand why they did what they did, but taking the time to see things through their eyes can take the edge off our hurt feelings. Ask yourself: How would they explain what happened? The point isn’t to condone their behavior; it’s to better understand it from their vantage-point.
•Finally, consider your own contribution to the situation – not for the purpose of self-blame, but to better appreciate the full picture behind what happened. Often, without realising or intending it, our actions can contribute to others actions. And when we understand this, it's easier to let go.
“Forgiveness is taking back your power. Forgiveness is taking responsibility of how you feel. Forgiveness can improve your mental and physical health. Forgiveness is becoming a hero instead of a victim. Forgiveness is a choice.”
- Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good