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The following post pertains particularly to spouse relationships.
The Talmud states: “People do not see their own faults.”
The simple understanding of this reading is that people tend to justify and excuse their own bad behavior.
To this, the Tzemach Tzedek (the third leader of the Chabad movement) adds a deeper layer of understanding:
The simple understanding of this reading is that people tend to justify and excuse their own bad behavior.
To this, the Tzemach Tzedek (the third leader of the Chabad movement) adds a deeper layer of understanding:
“People do not see their own faults” does not mean that people are literally unaware of their own faults. Rather, the intent of the statement is that one’s own fault is not consequential enough to upset one’s equanimity. It is as if the faults are invisible, for they are covered with a layer of self-love. Though intellectually aware of the deficiencies, the knowledge does not evoke an emotional response, nor does it cause undue concern.
When we fail in a certain area, we do not define ourselves based on that fault or character flaw. This is due to the self-love that every person harbors for his or her self.
This self-love is so strong that many of us, aware of certain things that we did, accept these faults of our own with relative equanimity. Yet if we knew that others did the same thing we’d be repulsed, judge them harshly and possibly terminate our relationship with them.
Husband and wife’s attitudes toward each other’s flaws should mirror the attitude one has when dealing with personal difficulties and flaws. If we view our spouses as ourselves, then faults of the spouse and problems in the marriage become one’s own problem.
Practically this means that when ones spouse messes up – whether inadvertently or intentionally – we don’t judge. We understand that this is simply a personal challenge that must be addressed and overcome.
When we fail in a certain area, we do not define ourselves based on that fault or character flaw. This is due to the self-love that every person harbors for his or her self.
This self-love is so strong that many of us, aware of certain things that we did, accept these faults of our own with relative equanimity. Yet if we knew that others did the same thing we’d be repulsed, judge them harshly and possibly terminate our relationship with them.
Husband and wife’s attitudes toward each other’s flaws should mirror the attitude one has when dealing with personal difficulties and flaws. If we view our spouses as ourselves, then faults of the spouse and problems in the marriage become one’s own problem.
Practically this means that when ones spouse messes up – whether inadvertently or intentionally – we don’t judge. We understand that this is simply a personal challenge that must be addressed and overcome.