Love vs Respect

Every time a person imposes their self upon others, unhappiness follows. It is an attempt to control the uncontrollable and the result is emotional stress and tension.

Often we have this vision of how other people are meant to be.  Actually the closer they are to us, the surer we are that we know how they should be behaving.  But this is an investment of emotional energy that does not pay off.

The emotion of love drives empathy and concern.  Love is to give.  In Hebrew, love is אהבה whose root is הב, which means to give.  But sometimes, giving when not asked for or not needed is invasive, such as an unwanted opinion. 

Respect, on the other hand, is withholding.  Respect enables us to take a step back and give others the space they need to operate independently, to make their own decisions and walk their own path. For example, respecting another’s opinion even if we don’t agree with it.  Respect is appreciating another’s unique personality and character traits that sets them apart from you.

Love is me going out of my way for you.
Respect is me getting out of my way for you.
Love is something we fall into.
Respect is something we climb into.
Love is me doing what you would like to be done.
Respect is me refraining from doing what you would not like to be done.

Nurturing Respect Exercise

· Identify one relationship in your life, be it family, friendships or workplace, where you can incorporate more respect.

· Reflect on that person’s distinctiveness and strengths and how it can complement you, for at the end of the day, respect is rooted in the sober reality that people are so different from each other and can thus complement each other.

· Think of some practical ways to respect this person’s boundaries. i.e Respecting his or her opinions.  Not trying to control that person. Not judging their actions. Holding back from having disrespectful thoughts of this person.

The key to healthy relationships and interactions, one that avoids disappointment and stress, is to find the proper balance between love and respect.  Because untempered love is smothering and invasive, while untempered respect is distant and uncaring.

“If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.  But if I am I because I am I and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you; and now we can talk.”
-The Kotzker Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Morgenstern